Toki Pona Forums

The translation is good. I could offer alternatives, but they aren't necessarily improvements. For instance I was thinking "sina suno e mi" instead of "sina wawa e mi" but then you have 'suno' later, so the sense of illumination is already there. Or I imagine the new "namako" (in the sense of stimulate, exite) could work in place of this transitive "wawa" for variety.

Could it be sung along with the original meter of the song? (I could only find a remix online)

rough and pedantic (naturally)
kon ken o, mi pilin e sina pi sama pona ali. (kon pi ken ali)
sewi la sina tawa lon laso.
kon ken o, tenpo ali la sina pana e suno tawa mi
pi lon pimeja pi pilin mi.
kon ken o, tenpo mute la sina nasa pona
li lon insa mi e ni: mi lukin e pona kama.
kon ken o sina sewi li jo ala e sama.
laso sewi la sina suno.
o ken ala e ni:
pilin monsuto kepeken ala
li pimeja e suno pi lon insa sina.
mi pini ala sona e sina.
mi pali e musi tawa sina
kepeken nasin tenpo pi kalama musi ni.

Just grammar (etc.) notes; I don't do aesthetics (though I do see some major shifts which I don't understand)
jan Ape
l3: just 'tawa sewi' you go to the heights, not move the heights.
l6: definitely 'e' "you strengthen me" not "You are me-ly powerful" (whatever that might mean).
l10: 'pana e pona tawa mi' "give me good" not "emit me well"
l12 Here I don't know because I can never keep the various roles of 'sama' straight. I think the verb needs 'e,' like 'kepeken,'but I''m not sure.
l17 'musi e sina' means "amuse you," probably not quite what meant

jan Mato
l2 'anpa' means "go down" and the like; 'sewi'
l4. don't need the 'ni,' which expects a sentence, just 'sama ma pi suno ala.'