In the cicada's cry
No sign can foretell
How soon it must die.
____________
tenpo jelo la
pipi linja li moku
e kasi sike.
Autumn moonlight-
a worm digs silently
into the chestnut.
_____________
tenpo laso la*
nena pi nimi ala
li lon kon walo.
Spring:
A hill without a name
Veiled in morning mist.
*here I thought of "laso" as not only blue, but also green. I imagine grass getting free from snow as well as rivers/lakes getting free from ice. that's why spring is "blue-green".
______________
Once again, tell me what you think of these translations and feel free to leave your remarks!
Last edited by jan Seni on Sat Mar 14, 2020 6:03 am, edited 3 times in total.
Very nice. Grammatically, only the ‘e’ missing before ‘tenpo' in the first one is a problem, which is going to screw up the whole structure. Otherwise. there is the question of why the worm is copulating with the nut (or whatever is going on). As a spcification of ‘pipi’ worms are usually ‘linja’ (cf “snake”) but maybe something else is meant here,. I like the explanation of ‘tenpo laso’.
janKipo wrote:I like the explanation of ‘tenpo laso’.
Thanks a lot
janKipo wrote:Grammatically, only the ‘e’ missing before ‘tenpo' in the first one is a problem, which is going to screw up the whole structure.
Oh, right :0
janKipo wrote:Otherwise. there is the question of why the worm is copulating with the nut (or whatever is going on).
Wow, I accidentally put 'unpa' instead of 'anpa' I was thinking of 'pipi anpa' as 'an insect that lives in a ground, below > a worm', but 'pipi linja' makes even more sense, I guess. Thanks for this idea!
jan Seni wrote:tenpo pimeja
lete la mi wan taso
tawa nasin ni.
No one travels
Along this way but I,
This autumn evening.
___________________
telo sewi la
soweli li wile e
len seli selo.*
First winter rain-
even the monkey
seems to want a raincoat.
*I'm not sure how it would sound to others, but it was supposed to mean "warm(ing) covering clothes" > "coat".
___________________
ali li lon pi
jan utala moli e
ni: kasi anpa.
The summer grasses
All that remains
Of brave soldiers dreams
___________________
I'm new to Toki Pona, so I tried my best to fit the initial meaning (as I interpret) AND the rhythm (5-7-5). Please, leave your opinions and remarks!
For the last paragraph I would translate it as:
The summer grasses
all that remains
of brave soldiers dreams
sona lape pi jan utala la kasi anpa pi tenpo seli li lon wan taso.
(sleep thoughts of fighting people - la - warm time grass only exists)
Your paragraph would be translated something like:
everything exists of soldier kills this: grass
In item 1, the subject of the secondclause. is' mi wan taso’ not just ‘mi’, so a ‘li’ is required before ‘tawa’. This screws up the metre and so requires some rewriting.(could just drop ‘wan’, since ‘taso’ already means “alone”). Number three doesn;t seem to work. at all, “Every thing is the existence/presence o dead soldiers ,,,” but then a direct object when there is no transitive verb for it to hang on. There aree, I see a numer of other possibililities, none of whiich gets closer to the english. We could tale ‘moli’ as a verb, but that requiress a ‘li’ in front and makes for a compound predicate with ‘ali’ as subject. We could take ‘lon... e’ as a causatives verb “Everything makes this grass the birth of dead sldiers ('kasi anpa ni’, by the way). Seloki’s contribution doesn’t help. much, since the 'la ‘ doesn’t hook in an. obvious way with the sentence and ‘lon wan taso’ “at only one” doesn’t seem to fit either. This one needs some work.
jan Seloki wrote:
For the last paragraph I would translate it as:
The summer grasses
all that remains
of brave soldiers dreams
sona lape pi jan utala la kasi anpa pi tenpo seli li lon wan taso.
(sleep thoughts of fighting people - la - warm time grass only exists)
Your paragraph would be translated something like:
everything exists of soldier kills this: grass
That's a good varient. But I also tried to fit the rhythm. This is what makes it more complicated than that :[
Oh! So ‘wa taso’ is meant to modify ‘’kasi anpa’’ not be the object of ‘lon’. But then it should be after it somehwere )after ‘kasi anpa’’ seems too soon, but probably is best, as after ‘’tenpo lete taso’ can get misinterpeted). Otherwise you are saying that esistence is the only prperty of the grasses, rather tht the grasses ar all that is left of soldiers’ dreams.. “Remains” is ‘awen’. of course, and here you might use ‘e ona’. to finally attach the floating ‘la’ to the main clause. ‘taso’ means “only” by itself; the ‘wan’ doesn’t add anything in this case (it’s for lonesome or single). I don’t know if all this will fittogether into a haiku or not, but at leat it is grammatical and says what you want to say.
I was thinking of 'pipi anpa' as 'an insect that lives in a ground, below > a worm', but 'pipi linja' makes even more sense, I guess. Thanks for this idea!