“seli suli” pi sitelen tawa "jan ike lukin pi tomo nasin sewi Nototan”

[jan Same]

toki!
tenpo pini la mi ante e kalama musi “mije wawa” tan sitelen tawa “Mulan”. tenpo ni la mi ante e kalama musi tan sitelen tawa ante:
mi ante e kalama musi “seli suli” pi sitelen tawa "jan ike lukin pi tomo nasin sewi Nototan” pi tomo Disoni.
mi ante ni tan toki Inli en toki Kanse.

Hi!
No long ago, I translated the song "I'll make a man out of you" from the movie "Mulan". Now I've translated a song from a different movie :
I've translated “Hellfire” from Disney's “the Hunchback of Notre-Dame”.
The translation was made from the english and French version of the song. (It's a loose translation.)

toki Inli pi kalama musi li lon ni:
Here's a link to the English version of the song:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-NP-RsRGzVo

- - - - - - -

SELI SULI - Hellfire

jan pona Malija o - Beata Maria
sina sona e ni: mi jan pona. - You know i’m a righteous man
pona mi li pona tawa jan ali. - My virtue is good for everyone

jan pona Malija o - Beata Maria
sina sona e ni: mi pona mute. jan jaki ante li pona lili. You know I’m so much purer than The common, dirty crowd

jan Malija o toki tawa mi. Tell me, Maria
mi lukin tawa e musi tawa ona tan seme? - Why am I seeing her dancing there
oko ona li seli kin e kon mi tan seme? -Why her smold’ring eyes still scorch my soul

mi pilin e ona, mi lukin e ona - I can feel her, I can see her
suno li lon linja pimeja ona - The sun inside her raven hair
ona li seli e insa mi tawa pakala - she is blazing my insides out of all control

seli sama - Like fire
seli suli o! - Hellfire
seli ni li lon insa selo mi -This fire is in my skin
wile ike ni -This desire
li seli e insa mi - is burning inside me
ona li ante e mi tawa ike - It’s turning me to sin

mi pakala ala - I didn’t mess up (It’s not my fault)
toki utala ala e mi - Don’t criticize me (I’m not to blame)
jan Kipisi meli li pali e ni - It’s the gypsy girl who did this
Monsuta ni li pana e seli ni - This monster sent this flame
mi pakala ala tan ni: -I didn’t mess up (It’s not my fault)because of this:
lon insa wile pi jan lawa la - if in God’s plan
jan anpa li wawa mute. jan ali li wawa lili! -
the Devil is too strong, all men are week (he made the devil so much stronger than a man)

jan Malia o selo e mi! - Protect me, Maria
ona li wile e ni: kepeken e toki wawa tawa mi - She want’s to cast a spell on me (don't let this siren cast her spell)
selo e mi tan seli pi ma anpa - Protect me from the fires of hell
o pakala e jan Esimelalita - Destroy Esmeralda
ona li kama moku e seli pi ma anpa! Let her taste the fires of Hell!
ante la o pana e ona tawa mi, o pana tawa mi taso. Or else give her to me and me alone

jan utala: jan Pilolo o, jan Kipisi li kama weka! [i]Guard: Minister Frollo, the gypsy has escaped.
jan Pilolo: seme? - Frollo: (speaking)What?
jan utala: ona li lon ala insa tomo pi nasin sewi. Guard: She’s nowhere in the cathedral.
jan utala: ona li weka. - She’s gone.
jan Pilolo: kepeken nasin seme? mi.. ike ala... o weka! Frollo: But how? I... Never mind. Get out!
mi kama jo e ona! ken la mi kama jo e ona kepeken nasin ni: mi seli e ali pi ma tomo Pali!
I’ll get her! I’ll get her if I have to burn down all of Paris !

seli suli! - Hellfire
seli pimeja o! - Dark fire
jan Kipisi o! tenpo ona li kama! - Gypsy, it’s your turn
o wile e mi! - Want me
ante la ona li - or else you
kama moli lon seli - will die in fire! (you will burn)

jan lawa o pana e pona tawa ona - God have mercy on her
o pana e pona tawa mi - Have mercy on me
taso, mi kama jo e ona - But she will be mine
ante la ona li kama seli! - Or she will burn!

(tenpo tenpo la mi toki e nimi Inli kin lon insa () ni.)
(from time to time I've put the real english lyrics in parenthesis)

kalama musi ni li pimeja mute. taso ona li pona tawa mi tan ni.
pona ala pona? ante e ona li kepeken tenpo mute. mi pilin e ni: ona li jo e nimi pona ala.
sina lukin e nimi pona ala la toki e ona tawa mi. mi wil e ni: ona li kama pona ali.

This is a very dark song, but I love the epicness of it.
What do you think? It was pretty hard to translate, and I'm sure I've made lots of errors.
If you see some, don't hesitate to tell me, I want the lyrics to be perfect.

[janKipo]

'Jan pi Ike lukin' maybe a bit general for the case here, not that I can think how to say "hunchbacked".
'Tomo pi nasi sewi, Nototan'
Why 'lukin Tawa'?
'seli suli a', not vocative
Imperative needs 'o'; 'o toki utala ala' prob 'utala toki' since DO is person attacked.
Prob 'jan meli Kipisi'
'Insa pi wile pi jan lawa'
'Kepeken toki wawa tawa(?) mi'
Poss. ; rather than . between wawa mute and jan Ali. ( current controversy)
o selo e mi
o ona li Kama moku
Paris is ma Tomo Paki
Prob seli Pimeja a! Not vocative.
Prob just tempo la "sometimes"
Not clear Pimeja has the emotional sense of dark, which may be just Ike
Ni li pona ala pona? Can,t generally drop subjects
Ante toki ona li kepeken
O toki e ni
Wile.

[jan Same]

Thank you for your corrections
I will update the text soon (busy weekend)

[jan Same]

toki!

tenpo ni la, mi pona e ante toki mi.
toki sin li ni :

Hi !
I’ve corrected my translation, here’s the new version :

- - - - - - -

Kalama musi pi sitelen tawa: “jan pi ike lukin pi tomo pi nasin sewi, Nototan”

SELI SULI - Hellfire

jan pona Malija o - Beata Maria
sina sona e ni: mi jan pi pona mute. - You know i’m a righteous man
pona mi li pona tawa jan ali. - My virtue is good for everyone

jan pona Malija o - Beata Maria
sina sona e ni: mi pona mute. jan jaki ante li pona lili. You know I’m so much purer than The common, dirty crowd

jan Malija o toki tawa mi. Tell me, Maria
mi lukin tawa e musi tawa ona tan seme? - Why am I seeing her dancing there
oko ona li seli kin e kon mi tan seme? -Why her smold’ring eyes still scorch my soul

mi pilin e ona, mi lukin e ona - I can feel her, I can see her
suno li lon linja pimeja ona - The sun inside her raven hair
ona li seli e insa mi tawa pakala - she is blazing my insides out of all control

seli sama - Like fire
seli suli a! - Hellfire
seli ni li lon insa selo mi -This fire is in my skin
wile ike ni -This desire
li seli e insa mi - is burning inside me
ona li ante e mi tawa ike - It’s turning me to sin

mi pakala ala - I didn’t mess up (It’s not my fault)
o utala toki ala e mi - Don’t criticize me (I’m not to blame)
jan meli Kipisi li pali e ni - It’s the gypsy girl who did this
monsuta ni li pana e seli ni - This monster sent this flame
mi pakala ala tan ni: -I didn’t mess up (It’s not my fault)because of this:
insa pi wile pi jan lawa la - if in God’s plan
jan anpa li wawa mute. jan li wawa lili! -
the Devil is too strong, men are week (he made the devil so much stronger than a man)

jan Malia o selo e mi! - Protect me, Maria
ona li wile e ni: kepeken e toki wawa tawa mi - She want’s to cast a spell on me (don’t let this siren cast her spell)
o selo e mi tan seli pi ma anpa - Protect me from the fires of hell
o pakala e jan Esimelalita - Destroy Esmeralda
ona li kama moku e seli pi ma anpa! She will taste the fires of Hell!
ante la o pana e ona tawa mi, o pana e ona tawa mi taso. Or else give her to me and me alone

jan utala: jan Pilolo o, jan Kipisi li kama weka! [i]Guard: Minister Frollo, the gypsy has escaped.
jan Pilolo: seme? - Frollo: (speaking)What?
jan utala: ona li lon ala insa tomo pi nasin sewi. Guard: She’s nowhere in the cathedral.
jan utala: ona li weka. - She’s gone.
jan Pilolo: kepeken nasin seme? mi.. ike ala... o weka! Frollo: But how? I... Never mind. Get out!
mi kama jo e ona! ken la mi kama jo e ona kepeken nasin ni: mi seli e ali pi ma tomo Paki!
I’ll get her! I’ll get her if I have to burn down all of Paris !

seli suli! - Hellfire
seli pimeja a! - Dark fire
jan Kipisi o! tenpo ona li kama! - Gypsy, it’s your turn
o wile e mi! - Want me
ante la ona li - or else you
kama moli lon seli - will die in fire! (you will burn)

jan lawa o pana e pona tawa ona - God have mercy on her
o pana e pona tawa mi - Have mercy on me
taso, mi kama jo e ona - But she will be mine
ante la ona li moli lon seli! - Or she will burn!

- - - - - - -

(tenpo la mi toki e nimi pi toki Inli lon insa () ni.)
(from time to time I’ve put the real English lyrics in parenthesis)

sina pilin seme ? ni li pona ala pona?

What do you think? Is it better ?

[janKipo]

"mi lukin tawa e musi tawa ona tan seme? - Why am I seeing her dancing there" Don't need (or want) 'tawa' 'lukin' means "look at, see". English is ambiguous between (at least) seeing her while she is dancing and seeing the dancing that she is doing. It is a matter of focus, but I suspect the focus here is on her. Your translation focuses on the dancing. maybe 'ona pi tawa musi' (dancing is movement first, then entertaining)

"seli sama - Like fire" 'sama seli'

'wile ike' is nice for "temptation"

'Kipisi' is a problem. First, it is the same as a (sometimes) official word. Second, it is not really a proper name but rather a generic name for members of a group. I don't know a good way around this problem in the circumstances, maybe a general 'ante' "foreign" or 'nasa' "unusual" would be enough.

"mi pakala ala tan ni: -I didn’t mess up (It’s not my fault)because of this:
insa pi wile pi jan lawa la - if in God’s plan
jan anpa li wawa mute. jan li wawa lili! -
the Devil is too strong, men are week (he made the devil so much stronger than a man)"
Something here doesn't work, but I don't quite. see what. The English may be the problem "If in Gods plan" expects a 'la' phrase '(lon) nasin/wile sewi' or some such, followed by a sentence as a 'la' phrase (the "if" part) and another sentence (the "then" part). we just get the "then" part (I think). prob just 'wile sewi la jan anpa... mute; jan... lili.' or so
"ona li wile e ni: kepeken e toki wawa tawa mi - She want’s to cast a spell on me (don’t let this siren cast her spell)" either 'ona li' before 'kepeken' or drop 'e ni' and go directly to the modal format.

"jan Pilolo: kepeken nasin seme? mi.. ike ala... o weka! Frollo: But how? I... Never mind. Get out!" "never mind" seems to be 'suli ala' "not important" or 'weka tan lawa' "lose from mind,, forget".

"mi seli e ali pi ma tomo Paki!" or 'seli ali e ma tomo Paki' anu 'seli ma tomo ali Pai' anu 'seli e ma tomo Pai ali' with prob some small meaning differences.

"ante e ona li kepeken tenpo mute." can't have 'e' in a noun phrases (before 'li') so 'ante (toki) ona li' or a rewrite 'mi ante toki e ona kepeken tempo mute' or some such.

"ona li jo e nimi pona ala." lon la nimi mute li pona. taso nimi pi mute lili li pona lili. ken la sina wile sitelen e 'nimi pi pona ala'

"sina lukin e nimi pona ala la toki e ona tawa mi." 'toki e ni" ('tell the seeing bad expressions") not 'toki e ona' "recite the bad expressions"

[jan Same]

a! I didn’t realize there were still so many mistakes,
Thank you so much for helping me with my translations jan Kipo.
Your help makes me progress a lot

Here’s the new version, I hope everything’s okay now :

- - - - - - -

Kalama musi pi sitelen tawa: “jan pi ike lukin pi tomo pi nasin sewi, Nototan”

SELI SULI - Hellfire

jan pona Malija o - Beata Maria
sina sona e ni: mi jan pi pona mute. - You know i’m a righteous man
pona mi li pona tawa jan ali. - My virtue is good for everyone

jan pona Malija o - Beata Maria
sina sona e ni: mi pona mute. jan jaki ante li pona lili. You know I’m so much purer than The common, dirty crowd

jan Malija o toki tawa mi. Tell me, Maria
mi lukin tawa e ona pi tawa musi tan seme? - Why am I seeing her dancing there
oko ona li seli kin e kon mi tan seme? -Why her smold’ring eyes still scorch my soul

mi pilin e ona, mi lukin e ona - I can feel her, I can see her
suno li lon linja pimeja ona - The sun inside her raven hair
ona li seli e insa mi tawa pakala - she is blazing my insides out of all control

sama seli - Like fire
seli suli a! - Hellfire
seli ni li lon insa selo mi -This fire is in my skin
wile ni -This desire
li seli e insa mi - is burning inside me
ni li ante e mi tawa ike - It’s turning me to sin

mi pakala ala - I didn’t mess up (It’s not my fault)
o utala toki ala e mi - Don’t criticize me (I’m not to blame)
meli ni li pali e ni - It’s that girl who did this
monsuta ni li pana e seli ni - This monster sent this flame
mi pakala ala tan ni: -I didn’t mess up (It’s not my fault)because of this:
wile sewi la - if in God’s plan
jan anpa li wawa mute. jan li wawa lili! -
the Devil is too strong, men are week (he made the devil so much stronger than a man)

jan Malia o selo e mi! - Protect me, Maria
ona li wile kepeken e toki wawa tawa mi - She want’s to cast a spell on me (don’t let this siren cast her spell)
o selo e mi tan seli pi ma anpa - Protect me from the fires of hell
o pakala e jan Esimelalita - Destroy Esmeralda
ona li kama moku e seli pi ma anpa! She will taste the fires of Hell!
ante la o pana e ona tawa mi, o pana e ona tawa mi taso. Or else give her to me and me alone

jan utala: jan Pilolo o, meli li kama weka! Guard: Minister Frollo, the girl has escaped.
jan Pilolo: seme? - Frollo: (speaking)What?
jan utala: ona li lon ala insa tomo pi nasin sewi. Guard: She’s nowhere in the cathedral.
jan utala: ona li weka. - She’s gone.
jan Pilolo: kepeken nasin seme? mi.. suli ala... o weka! Frollo: But how? I... Never mind. Get out!
mi kama jo e ona! ken la mi kama jo e ona kepeken nasin ni: mi seli e ma tomo Paki ali!
I’ll get her! I’ll get her even if I have to burn down all of Paris !

seli suli! - Hellfire
seli pimeja a! - Dark fire
meli o! tenpo ona li kama! - Gypsy, it’s your turn
o wile e mi! - Want me
ante la ona li - or else you
kama moli lon seli - will die in fire! (you will burn)

jan lawa o pana e pona tawa ona - God have mercy on her
o pana e pona tawa mi - Have mercy on me
taso, mi kama jo e ona - But she will be mine
ante la ona li kama moli lon seli! - Or she will burn!

- - - - - - -

What do you think ?
I decided to replace “jan Kipisi” with just “meli” (since we're just talking about her),
I could have put “jan pi ma ante”, but I decided it was simpler to refer to her directly.

I hope I didn’t forget something.

Please tell me if there are more things that need to be modified.

[janKipo]

"mi lukin tawa e ona pi tawa musi tan seme? - Why am I seeing her dancing there oko ona li seli kin e kon mi tan seme?
I still don't understand 'lukin tawa e ona' "lukin e ona' means "see her", 'lukin tawa ona" means "look at her -- look in her direction", maybe; but what do the two do together? 'e' seems to cover the English. Just as a kindness, I'd put a comma after 'musi' so it becomes clearer that it is why I see her not why she is dancing that is at issue.

mi pilin e ona, mi lukin e ona" the 'ken's would make sense here, since, while he does see her, he apparently hasn't touched her yet, except in his imagination.

"ona li wile kepeken e toki wawa tawa mi - She want’s to cast a spell on me (don’t let this siren cast her spell)"
If you really want the parenthetical, it's something like 'o ken ala e ni: ona li pana e nimi wawa ike tawa mi' (a good place for 'pake')

"ante la ona li - or else you". this seems to be addressed to her (admittedly in absentia), so 'sina' rather than 'ona'

"jan lawa o pana e pona tawa ona - God have mercy on her". 'jan lawa' is pretty much for human rulers and leaders. I would use just 'sewi' again. "Mercy" is a tough one, but "help" and "do a favor for" both seem in the right area, as you have it.

As. you can see, these are mainly quibbles and the whole runs grammatically and smoothly. Very nice.

[jan Same]

Oh!
Thanks again for pointing out the errors

Here's a few sentences I've changed following your correction:

“mi lukin tawa e ona pi tawa musi tan seme?”
Becomes:
“ona pi tawa musi li awen insa oko mi tan seme?”

“mi ken pilin e ona, mi ken lukin e ona” (I’ve added “ken”)

“ona li wile kepeken e toki wawa tawa mi”
Becomes :
“o selo e mi tan nimi wawa ike ona”

I’ve also changed
“jan anpa” into “jan pi ma anpa” (I think it's clearer)

“ante la ona li” into “ante la sina li”

“jan lawa” into “jan sewi”

Here’s the full new version:
- - - - - - -

kalama musi pi sitelen tawa: “jan pi ike lukin pi tomo pi nasin sewi, Nototan”

SELI SULI - Hellfire

jan pona Malija o - Beata Maria
sina sona e ni: mi jan pi pona mute. - You know i’m a righteous man
pona mi li pona tawa jan ali. - My virtue is good for everyone

jan pona Malija o - Beata Maria
sina sona e ni: mi pona mute. jan jaki ante li pona lili. You know I’m so much purer than The common, dirty crowd

jan Malija o toki tawa mi. Tell me, Maria
tawa musi ona li awen insa oko mi tan seme? - Why does her dance remain in my eyes?
oko ona li seli kin e kon mi tan seme? -Why her smold’ring eyes still scorch my soul?

mi ken pilin e ona, mi ken lukin e ona - I can feel her, I can see her
suno li lon linja pimeja ona - The sun inside her raven hair
ona li seli e insa mi tawa pakala - she is blazing my insides out of all control

sama seli - Like fire
seli suli a! - Hellfire
seli ni li lon insa selo mi -This fire is in my skin
wile ni -This desire
li seli e insa mi - is burning inside me
ni li ante e mi tawa ike - It’s turning me to sin

mi pakala ala - I didn’t mess up (It’s not my fault)
o utala toki ala e mi - Don’t criticize me (I’m not to blame)
meli ni li pali e ni - It’s that girl who did this
monsuta ni li pana e seli ni - This monster sent this flame
mi pakala ala tan ni: -I didn’t mess up (It’s not my fault)because of this:
wile sewi la - if in God’s plan
jan pi ma anpa li wawa mute. jan li wawa lili! -
the Devil is too strong, men are week (he made the devil so much stronger than a man)

jan Malia o selo e mi! - Protect me, Maria
o selo e mi tan nimi wawa ike ona - Protect me from her spell
o selo e mi tan seli pi ma anpa - Protect me from the fires of hell
o pakala e jan Esimelalita - Destroy Esmeralda
ona li kama moku e seli pi ma anpa! She will taste the fires of Hell!
ante la o pana e ona tawa mi, o pana e ona tawa mi taso. Or else give her to me and me alone

jan utala: jan Pilolo o, meli li kama weka! Guard: Minister Frollo, the girl has escaped.
jan Pilolo: seme? - Frollo: (speaking)What?
jan utala: ona li lon ala insa tomo pi nasin sewi. Guard: She’s nowhere in the cathedral.
jan utala: ona li weka. - She’s gone.
jan Pilolo: kepeken nasin seme? mi.. suli ala... o weka! Frollo: But how? I... Never mind. Get out!
mi kama jo e ona! ken la mi kama jo e ona kepeken nasin ni: mi seli e ma tomo Paki ali!
I’ll get her! I’ll get her even if I have to burn down all of Paris !

seli suli! - Hellfire
seli pimeja a! - Dark fire
meli o! tenpo ona li kama! - Gypsy, it’s your turn
o wile e mi! - Want me
ante la sina li - or else you
kama moli lon seli - will die in fire! (you will burn)

jan sewi o pana e pona tawa ona - God have mercy on her
o pana e pona tawa mi - Have mercy on me
taso, mi kama jo e ona - But she will be mine
ante la ona li kama moli lon seli! - Or she will burn!

- - - - - - -

I really like the result

[janKipo]

Me too.
Minor points. Prob 'awen lon insa pi oko mi'
'jan sewi' is overworked for priests and saints and the like 'sewi, alone works for gods and God.

[jan Same]

I've made the corrections

If everything goes alright, here's the final version:
- - - - - - -

kalama musi pi sitelen tawa: “jan pi ike lukin pi tomo pi nasin sewi, Nototan”

SELI SULI - Hellfire

jan pona Malija o - Beata Maria
sina sona e ni: mi jan pi pona mute. - You know i’m a righteous man
pona mi li pona tawa jan ali. - My virtue is good for everyone

jan pona Malija o - Beata Maria
sina sona e ni: mi pona mute. jan jaki ante li pona lili. You know I’m so much purer than The common, dirty crowd

jan Malija o toki tawa mi. Tell me, Maria
tawa musi ona li awen lon insa pi oko mi tan seme? - Why does her dance remain in my eyes?
oko ona li seli kin e kon mi tan seme? -Why her smold’ring eyes still scorch my soul?

mi ken pilin e ona, mi ken lukin e ona - I can feel her, I can see her
suno li lon linja pimeja ona - The sun inside her raven hair
ona li seli e insa mi tawa pakala - she is blazing my insides out of all control

sama seli - Like fire
seli suli a! - Hellfire
seli ni li lon insa selo mi -This fire is in my skin
wile ni -This desire
li seli e insa mi - is burning inside me
ni li ante e mi tawa ike - It’s turning me to sin

mi pakala ala - I didn’t mess up (It’s not my fault)
o utala toki ala e mi - Don’t criticize me (I’m not to blame)
meli ni li pali e ni - It’s that girl who did this
monsuta ni li pana e seli ni - This monster sent this flame
mi pakala ala tan ni: -I didn’t mess up (It’s not my fault)because of this:
wile sewi la - if in God’s plan
jan pi ma anpa li wawa mute. jan li wawa lili! -
the Devil is too strong, men are week (he made the devil so much stronger than a man)

jan Malia o selo e mi! - Protect me, Maria
o selo e mi tan nimi wawa ike ona - Protect me from her spell
o selo e mi tan seli pi ma anpa - Protect me from the fires of hell
o pakala e jan Esimelalita - Destroy Esmeralda
ona li kama moku e seli pi ma anpa! She will taste the fires of Hell!
ante la o pana e ona tawa mi, o pana e ona tawa mi taso. Or else give her to me and me alone

jan utala: jan Pilolo o, meli li kama weka! Guard: Minister Frollo, the girl has escaped.
jan Pilolo: seme? - Frollo: (speaking)What?
jan utala: ona li lon ala insa tomo pi nasin sewi. Guard: She’s nowhere in the cathedral.
jan utala: ona li weka. - She’s gone.
jan Pilolo: kepeken nasin seme? mi.. suli ala... o weka! Frollo: But how? I... Never mind. Get out!
mi kama jo e ona! ken la mi kama jo e ona kepeken nasin ni: mi seli e ma tomo Paki ali!
I’ll get her! I’ll get her even if I have to burn down all of Paris !

seli suli! - Hellfire
seli pimeja a! - Dark fire
meli o! tenpo ona li kama! - Gypsy, it’s your turn
o wile e mi! - Want me
ante la sina li - or else you
kama moli lon seli - will die in fire! (you will burn)

sewi o pana e pona tawa ona - God have mercy on her
o pana e pona tawa mi - Have mercy on me
taso, mi kama jo e ona - But she will be mine
ante la ona li kama moli lon seli! - Or she will burn!

- - - - - - -

I feel like I've made a lot of progress while working on this.
jan Kipo, thank you so much for helping me on this project, it turned out really great