toki musi pi ma Sonko

Creativity: Poetry, music, comics, etc.
Kreado: Poezio, muziko, bildrakontoj, ktp.
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iulius
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toki musi pi ma Sonko

Post by iulius »

ni li toki musi pi ma Sonko. ona li sin ala. tenpo pini mute la jan Sonko li toki e ona. jan ala sona e ni: jan seme li pali e toki musi ni?
---------------------------

soweli wawa jelo li alasa e soweli sona. soweli sona li toki e ni: "sina ken ala moku e mi. jan lawa pi sewi kon li pali e mi sama soweli lawa pi soweli ali. ken la sina pilin e ni: mi nasa. sina pilin e ni la sina o tawa poka mi. sina lukin e ni: soweli li lukin e mi la soweli li tawa weka. soweli ala li wile tawa poka mi."
ni li pona tawa soweli wawa. kin la ona li tawa poka soweli sona. soweli ante li lukin e ona mute la ona li tawa weka. soweli wawa li pilin e ni: "soweli li pilin ike tan soweli sona. ken la ona kin li soweli lawa pi soweli ali." ona li sona ala e ni: soweli li weka tan ona sama.

I'll appreciate your translations, corrections, suggestions, etc. very much
jan-ante
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Re: toki musi pi ma Sonko

Post by jan-ante »

iulius wrote: ken la sina pilin e ni: mi nasa.
ken la sina pilin e ni tawa mi: ona li nasa
sina pilin e ni la sina o tawa poka mi.
jan Kipo would probably demand lon poka, but i disagree with him, keep as is.
soweli li lukin e mi la soweli li tawa weka.
... la ona li tawa weka
kin la ona li tawa poka soweli sona.
jan Kipo appreciates kin la, but i disagree with him. kin is a modifier emphasizing the word before, so it cannot be the 1st word in the sentence. and the meaning is unclear. due to some reasons, jKipo believes kin la = "moreover", but here it does not fit. use this: ona li tawa kin poka soweli sona

soweli ante li lukin e ona mute la ona li tawa weka.
better: soweli ante li lukin e ona tu li tawa weka
janSilipu
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Re: toki musi pi ma Sonko

Post by janSilipu »

I don't see the point of the first correction, which is inside direct discourse.
'Lon poka' would mean spatially beside, here 'lon' just means accompanying as it should (though what follows suggests 'Lon poka' is also appropriate.
All the possibilities are correct, including (probably) 'sama li tawa'
Aside from what 'kin la' means, it doesn't fit well here; 'tan ni la' seems about right. If you want to put a 'kin' in the body of the sentence (I'm not sure why you would), either as suggested or after 'ona'' makes sense ( slightly different in the two cases).
A nice job.
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iulius
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Re: toki musi pi ma Sonko

Post by iulius »

jan-ante en jan Silipu o, pona! sina pona e toki musi mi :) I appreciate your suggestions very much and I'll prepare a second version with your suggestions.

The original animals are a tiger and a fox. Would you mind a better way to suggest "tiger" and "fox" in toki pona?
janSilipu
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Re: toki musi pi ma Sonko

Post by janSilipu »

I got tiger from strong yellow, fox from smart is a bit harder but I don't know an improvement.
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iulius
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Re: toki musi pi ma Sonko

Post by iulius »

Here goes the second version

ni li toki musi pi ma Sonko. ona li sin ala. tenpo pini mute la jan Sonko li toki e ona. jan ala sona e ni: jan seme li pali e toki musi ni?
---------------------------

soweli wawa jelo li alasa e soweli sona. soweli sona li toki e ni: "sina ken ala moku e mi. jan lawa pi sewi kon li pali e mi sama soweli lawa pi soweli ali. ken la sina pilin e ni tawa mi: ona li nasa. sina pilin e ni la sina o tawa poka mi. sina lukin e ni: soweli li lukin e mi la ona li tawa weka. soweli ala li wile tawa poka mi."
ni li pona tawa soweli wawa. ona li tawa kin poka soweli sona. soweli ante li lukin e ona tu la ona li tawa weka. soweli wawa li pilin e ni: "soweli li pilin ike tan soweli sona. ken la ona kin li soweli lawa pi soweli ali." ona li sona ala e ni: soweli li weka tan ona sama.

much better :)
jan-ante
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Re: toki musi pi ma Sonko

Post by jan-ante »

good, but here:
iulius wrote: soweli ante li lukin e ona tu la ona li tawa weka.
it is not really clear who are the second ona.
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iulius
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Re: toki musi pi ma Sonko

Post by iulius »

True!, maybe I need another "soweli" there?

soweli ante li lukin e ona tu la soweli li tawa weka

or maybe I should better use two verbs with "li"??

soweli ante li lukin e ona tu li tawa weka

You're helping me very much indeed!.
jan-ante
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Re: toki musi pi ma Sonko

Post by jan-ante »

iulius wrote: soweli ante li lukin e ona tu li tawa weka
to me, this is the best
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iulius
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Re: toki musi pi ma Sonko

Post by iulius »

yes, it is smoother :) Thank you :)

So here goes v.1.0

ni li toki musi pi ma Sonko. ona li sin ala. tenpo pini mute la jan Sonko li toki e ona. jan ala sona e ni: jan seme li pali e toki musi ni?
---------------------------

soweli wawa jelo li alasa e soweli sona. soweli sona li toki e ni: "sina ken ala moku e mi. jan lawa pi sewi kon li pali e mi sama soweli lawa pi soweli ali. ken la sina pilin e ni tawa mi: ona li nasa. sina pilin e ni la sina o tawa poka mi. sina lukin e ni: soweli li lukin e mi la ona li tawa weka. soweli ala li wile tawa poka mi."
ni li pona tawa soweli wawa. ona li tawa kin poka soweli sona. soweli ante li lukin e ona tu li tawa weka. soweli wawa li pilin e ni: "soweli li pilin ike tan soweli sona. ken la ona kin li soweli lawa pi soweli ali." ona li sona ala e ni: soweli li weka tan ona sama.
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