Thank you very much for taking the time to reply
janKipo wrote:"becoming water” or some such isn’t very clear eitheer but may work as poetry.
Yes, I wanted to express the concept of abandon by likening it metaphorically to "melting"...(release of tension, surrender, etc...)I am quite happy about it but i suspect there can be a more expressive way.
janKipo wrote:‘ona’ is strictly anaphoric, so needs something to look back to.
’sama’ “itself” in place of ‘ona’
What is the difference then between using "ona" and "sama" when a subject has already been introduced? For example, if i want to say that a human being sees himself/herself, what is the difference between "jan li lukin e sama" and "jan li lukin e ona"? Is either incorrect?
janKipo wrote:not sure how ‘kalama’ “sound, noise” fits in with “theme’ (but not sure just what theme is to mean here
I think he mans theme as in musical theme. If i write "kalama musi", in your opinion is it clear that i mean "song, musical theme"? Maybe this would be more expressive than just sound.
janKipo wrote: “belligerently doesn’t come” doesn’t compute nor fit with “fulfilled” both ‘kama’ alone and ‘pini’ alone would work here.
This is a crucial part of the poem. I really wanted to convey the concept of "fulfilled" as "rendered free of (inner) conflicts". Would "kama utala ala" work? And in general, is there a way to use "kama" to mean that something has become something, as opposed to "is becoming, becomes"?