Rilke, "Dirait-on": translation

[fernezioPAKALA]

This poem by R.M. Rilke comes from the collection "Chansons des Roses". Originally written in French, it has been made popular by M. Lauridsen's beautiful musical adaptation. The text struck me as extremely close to toki pona aesthetically. So I have decided to attempt a beginner's translation, feedback on this is very much appreciated.

Kama-telo li selo pi kama-telo,
Abandon eveloping abandon,
Abandon entouré d'abandon,

Olin suwi li luka e olin suwi
Tenderness touching tenderness
tendresse touchant aux tendresses

Ona li insa pi sina la, ala pini
It is your center that ceaselessly
C'est ton intérieur qui sans cesse

li luka-olin e ona, jan li toki;
caresses itself, some will say;
se caresse, dirait-on;

li luka-olin sama insa sama
caresses itself within itself
se caresse en soi-même,

sama-lukin pi sama li pana e sona tawa ona
by its on reflection illuminated
par son propre reflet éclairé.

Kepken, sina li mama e kalama
Thus, you invent the theme
Ainsi tu inventes le thème

Pi jan "mi li olin e mi", kama ala utala.
Of Narcissus fulfilled.
du Narcisse exaucé.

[janKipo]

I don’t do poetry, so this is just about grammar, not scansion or rhetoric.
I don’t know what you mean by the dash; it has been used in various ways by different people but the present use is not clear. "becoming water” or some such isn’t very clear eitheer but may work as poetry. ‘selo’ is good for ‘is the shell of’’ etc. (‘poki’ might also work -- its not clear whether this is mere containment or shelter0.
--
‘ona’ is strictly anaphoric, so needs something to look back to. better to start off with whatyou are building toward: ‘insa sina’ (‘pi’ needs two words after it, for now). after ‘la’ you need a complete sentence (subject and all)..’pini ala’ (modifier comes after head) along the same line, ‘pini ala’ comes either before ‘luka olin’ “does not stop caressing” or immediately after “caressing ceaselessly”. The ‘la’ and the ‘ona li’ now drop out.
“As some say” or so is probably a separate sentence ’jan li toki e ni’ but it can’t be inserted parenthetically into the sentence.
’sama’ “itself” in place of ‘ona’
‘e sama lon insa sama’
‘sama lukin’ is pretty good. ‘sama’ for ‘ona’ again (probably)
‘kepeken’ needs an object; ‘nasin ni la’ would be more normal though less pecise than ‘kepeken nasin ni’.
not sure how ‘kalama’ “sound, noise” fits in with “theme’ (but not sure just what theme is to mean here
could just use ‘Nasisu’ or so or 'jan pi olin sama’, the quote doesn’t work there although I suppose it would if introduced by a ‘pi’. “belligerently doesn’t come” doesn’t compute nor fit with “fulfilled” both ‘kama’ alone and ‘pini’ alone would work here.

This was a fairly opaque passage and you got through it fairly well, all things considered. If I ignore the vocabulary comments -- which I said I wouldn’t do -- the grammatical problems were few and not generally serious. Good first try.

[fernezioPAKALA]

[janKipo]

If the water metaphor works, it is very good. If not, something from ‘weka e’ might still work,, but is rather prosaic, as are lines based on ‘taso’ “alone”.

‘sama’ is always right but ‘ona’ may be acceptable in some cases (‘mi’ and ‘sina’ seem to be, maybe even ‘ona’). English is quite clear that ‘-self’ is required for direct objects (the proof that “Screw you!” is not an imperative) and mainly for other place as as well, though some variations are allowed with some special meanings. But that does not decide the issue for tp.

‘kalama musi’ refocuses the reader in the desired way.

tp is terrible on aspects and tenses; even ‘pini’ can be inchoative or continuative as wel as perfective. Still, I think that ‘pini kama’ will generally be understood as “has become”. What goes in for “fulfilled" is less clear: ‘ali’, “pini’, ‘wan’, ‘kulupu’?

[fernezioPAKALA]

For completeness, I will post the modified version where I took into account the grammatical points.

Kama telo li selo pi kama telo,
Olin suwi li luka e olin suwi
Sama li insa sina pini ala
li luka olin e sama. Jan li toki e ni.
Li luka olin sama insa sama
sama lukin pi sama li pana e sona tawa sama
Kepeken ni, sina li mama e kalama musi
Pi jan "mi li olin e mi", pini kama ala utala insa sama.