A mixture of theological and philological fussiness. Basically very good.
‘jan sewi’ for “God” poses problems and ‘jan sewi Jawe’ some others. “God” is probably best just ‘sewi’, leaving the compounds for saints and priests and maybe angels (etc.) ‘Jawe’ might be be better as ‘sewi lawa’ “Lord” to avoid offense. Note ‘Jawe’ doesn’t even occur until verse 6, but it is thick there.
‘Jope’ isn’t bad for most English readers, though the original seems to be ‘Eyova’ or some such.
I’m not sure ‘olin’ works for “fearing” but I don’t have a better suggestion.
‘kama jo’ sounds like buying at a market; just ‘mama e’ (matching the original involves passives, which we can’t do and are unnecessary anyhow). The strict number system is restrictive and messy: “seven” is just ‘luka tu’
If you start the ‘ona’ in verse 2, it is clearer later, since it goes on in a pattern. But strictly speaking you can’t be sure it is Job in 3 and there is no sure way to guarantee it except, sayin ‘Jope’ again (maybe ‘ona wan’ would work, but that might mean “one of them -- the children” ) But the story is pretty clear in providing context.
Well, we could spell out the animals and their numbers with a little effort, but I think this t the right approach here, just “lotsa’ Of course, I would say ‘suli mute jan ali pi ma pi kama suno’ but that may be pushing things too far.
don’t need ‘lon poka’;’poka’ is probably enough (although ‘lon poka’ may well be accurate in this case).
“bless” is tricky, since we bless God by saying “Thanks” and God blesses us by helping us out. I don’t get “spoke the holy name for them” for “sanctify” or “bless”. Maybe ‘talked to God on their behalf and sacrificed...” The distributive nature of these parties -- each son has one in his house but they all come -- doesn’t come across but may b more trouble than it is worth. Ditto that he made one sacrifice for each and so on.
“sons of God” is still ‘sewi’ but then there is a stretch of Jawe, so ‘ona’ covers a point. Not sure whether Satan counts as a ‘jan sewi -- probably does if other angels do at this point in history.
I miss the “wandering up and down and to and fro” but I like mixture ‘en’. ’tan seme’ can mean “whence?” but the fuller form is safer.
‘lukin ala lukin’. don’t need ‘pi nimi’ in standard pu. since ‘jan mi Jope’ is standard stuff.
Satan is more pointed ‘Jope li kute ala kute e sina tawa ala kin?’
or ‘pana e pona tawa pali ona’ ‘ijo ona li mute lon ma’ (just alternatives closer to the original).