Other translations. There are a couple in the new Corpus, which isn’t indexed yet, alas, and at least one back in Forums and another in the old Corpus on tokipona.org (which is searchable).
Sorry about the repetitions of “light” etc, but that is the price of a limited vocabulary. Probably you can get away with just “name them” and the assumption that he named them with the names they obviously have.
The day parts in order “evening and morning, the first day”, say, is from my memory, so not guaranteed to be in any translation or the original.
I like ‘open la’ for “in the beginning”. (but then, I don’t think ‘kama’ means “begin” really).
Tepan steps into one of the bigger muddles in pu: what "jan o moku” means. There are two stories about it an one of them manages to muddy the waters more: For most of tp’s history, ‘jan o moku’ was an abbreviation ‘jan o, o moku’ vocative + imperative (it isn’t a very good abbreviation, since the actual pronunciation has a clear break rather than a fusion, but then .... tradition), In pu it is said to be an opttive, expression a wish “Would that the man eat” or some such thing. But then, in the examples and exercises, it is used for imperatives again, including horatory imperatives (i.e., with firt person subjects). So, to clear things up for now, we have gone back to the old optative, which simply put ‘o’ in front of the sentence. Tepan has the right idea, just the wrong form (though I admit his form would be a better one if Sonja got rid of the old usage).
I’ll stick with my remarks about ‘tu e suno ...’
Tepan’s last line is odd: pan e nimi tawa suno, tawa pimeja’ I assume he means ‘tawa suno en tawa pimeja’ though even that is slightly odd, since they are different names. Of course, ‘tawa suno en pimeja’ is equally odd but tidieer and probably understandable. The two successive prepositional phrases without any connection, however, leaves them overlapping rather than separable in any grammatical way.
I assume you will do your own tp, deviating from everyone else’s in unique ways. Tepan’s claim. to stick to pu is as misleading as any other guideline.