Oh! You choose the most malicious version of the story.
Not suitable for today's fragile kids. Your toki pona style is comparably good. You seem to avoid common place literal calquey translations and I can understand almost everything you wrote. It's a very clear and unambiguous writing. Congratulations! Perhaps Kipo would like to address some more things, but I think what I pointed out is enough.
Things to be taken out in red (because it's superfluous or wrong or I just would suggest taking out but not really bad). Things to be added in green. Optional things in blue. Comments inside brackets. Small orthographical corrections in bold. Sentences I demand clarification underlined.
tenpo suli pini la
jan lili meli
lili li lon. [meli already means girl. jan lili meli is just superfluous] ona li jo e len loje. len lawa ona li loje.
(tan ni: jan ale li nimi e jan lili ni kepeken nimi jan Len Loje Lili.)
tan ni
:la nimi ona li
jan LojeLili. [Kipo probably would suggest "ona li jan Lojelili", but even Sonja uses this kind of phrasing]
tenpo suno la mama ona li toki e ni: jan LojeLili o tawa
e tomo
pi mama mama
(meli sina).
o pana e kala pona e pan sin e poki pi telo walo tawa mama mama sina.
jan LojeLili li tawa
e tomo pi mama mama. [tawa doesn't take e, unless in one special case where it means "move something"] ona li tawa
e lon [or
kepeken] nasin pi ma
pi kasi
suli. [Nested "pi"s are to be avoided when unnecessary. Not wrong, just clumsy. "nasin pi ma kasi" should be enough for "forest" (it's an idiom)] ona li tawa li kalama musi pona.
tenpo ni la soweli
pi ike mute [Not "many bad animals", but "very bad animal"] li lon
e nasin sama. [lon also doesn't take "e" unless it means "create, make exist"]
nimi ona li
soweli Lupo. soweli
Lupo li wile wawa moku . [or "ona li wile wawa moku."]
soweli Lupo li toki tawa jan LojeLili: sina tawa seme?
jan LojeLili li lukin e soweli. ona li toki e ni: m
i tawa
e tomo
pi mama mama mi.
soweli li toki e ni: ni
li nasin ike
en. [or "nasin ni li ike."] nasin ante
li pona. jan LojeLili o tawa
elon nasin ante.
jan LojeLili li tawa
lon nasin ante. nasin ante li ike kin. ona li tawa
lon tenpo mute. [better "tenpo suli"]
soweli Lupo li tawa wawa
elon nasin pona. tenpo lili la soweli li
kama
etawa tom
o.
soweli li kama lon insa tomo. ona li moli e mama mama.
soweli li kama jo e telo loje tan mama mama. soweli li pali e telo nasa tan telo loje ona.
soweli li pali e moku tan mama mama
kepeken seli. [I think that's a good addition to the text]
mama mama li kama e moku kin e moku ni insa poki. [I think I didn't get this. Perhaps grandma also became food and Lupo put her in a sack? "mama mama li kama moku kin. soweli Lupo li tawa insa poki e ona."] poki moku ni li lon supa moku.
soweli li len kepeken len pi mama mama.
tenpo ni jan LojeLili
likama. ona li open e
tomo lupalupa tomo. ona li kama
insa elon insa [or "kama tawa insa", or just "tawa insa"] tomo. ona li toki e ni: toki! mama mama o! mi kama.
mi jo e kala pona e pan sin e poki pi telo walo. mi pana e moku tawa sina.
soweli Lupo li kute e
ona tokitoki ona ["hear her speech" instead of "hear a talking she", because it's more common and surely right]. soweli li toki e ni: sina pona tawa m
i. jan LojeLili o moku. moku li pona li lon
e supa moku.
tenpo ni la soweli lili li kama. soweli lili li pona. nimi ona li soweli Katu.
ona li wile pakala e moku ni. ona li wile ni: jan LojeLili li moku ala
e mama mama.
taso
la ona li pakala ala.
ona li pona ala e ni kin. soweli Lupo li sona e
soweli Katu pilinpilin pi soweli Katu.
soweli Lupo li moli e ona. soweli Katu li moli. jan LojeLili li moku e
(moku tan) mama mama.
soweli Lupo li toki
e nitawa jan LojeLili
: moku ni li pona ala pona tawa sina?
jan LojeLili li toki
e ni: moku li pona o mama mama.mama mama o, moku li pona.
m
i pilin wawa ala. m
i wile e lape. ["mi wile lape" is also possible here]
soweli Lupo li toki e ni: o pana
mi e len onae len sina tawa mi. o lape lon supa.
jan LojeLili li weka e len ona. ona li lape
elon supa.
soweli
li kama jo e len ona.
soweli li weka len insa e seli poki. [Lupo got rid of the clothes inside the oven: "soweli li weka e len kepeken poki seli" or "soweli li weka e len lon insa pi poki seli." Lupo put the clothes inside the oven: "soweli li lon insa pi poki seli e len"] len li kama
e seli. len li kama
e ala. [or "kama weka"]
soweli li
kama tawa supa lape. soweli li lape
elon supa.
jan Loj
e li lukin e soweli. ona li toki e ni: mama mama o!
sina oko sulioko sina li suli [or
sina jo e oko suli] tan seme?
soweli li toki
e ni:
tan ni: m
i wile
li lukin pona e sina.
mama mama o!
sina kute sulikute sina li suli [or
sina jo e kute suli]tan seme?
tan ni: m
i wile
li kute mute e toki sina.
mama mama o!
sina luka suliluka sina li suli [or
sina jo e luka suli] tan seme?
tan ni: m
i wile
li cama jopoki [this can read as "hug", but may also refer to what Lupo will actually do to her] [or
pilin = touch,
luka = any action with the hands or arms (touching, hugging, holding, caress...)] mute e sina.
mama mama o!
sina uta suliuta sina li suli [or
sina jo e uta suli]tan seme?
tan ni: m
i wile
li moku wawa e sina.
soweli ike suli li moku e jan LojeLili.
pini.