Can ya'll critique this?

Language learning: How to speak Toki Pona, translation problems, advice, memory aids, tools and methods to learn Toki Pona and other languages faster
Lingva lernado: Kiel paroli Tokiponon, tradukproblemoj, konsiloj, memoraj helpiloj, iloj kaj metodoj por pli rapide lerni Tokiponon kaj aliajn lingvojn
jan pali pi jan Jesu
Posts: 19
Joined: Thu Apr 02, 2015 2:02 pm

Can ya'll critique this?

Postby jan pali pi jan Jesu » Mon Apr 06, 2015 8:26 pm

I'm still new to Toki and I'm working on translating a song called Jesus Freak
(Can't get too close of a translation because I tried to use the same amount of syllables)

Toki Pona

jan sona e ni:
mi jan nasa pi jan Jesu la
jan mute li pali
e seme tawa mi?
ona li pilin e ni: mi nasa
pi jan Jesu la mi awen pona la lon ni.

tenpo pini li lon ala ni.
jan pi tenpo pimeja li moli la tenpo ni.
wawa sewi li kama jo e mi.
mi sin pi jan sewi, mi jo e mi sin.

English

What will people think,
When they hear that I'm a Jesus freak?
What will people do,
When they find that it's true?
I don't really care,
If they label me a Jesus freak.
There ain't no disguising the truth.

Separated, I cut myself clean,
From a past that comes back in my darkest of dreams.
Been apprehended by a spiritual force,
And a grace that replaced all the me I've ever lost.

janKipo
Posts: 2958
Joined: Fri Oct 09, 2009 2:20 pm

Re: Can ya'll critique this?

Postby janKipo » Mon Apr 06, 2015 10:25 pm

scansion aside,
jan LI sona
not clear how to get the "people know" part into the condition unequivocally ( or even plausibly).
next bit is hard to parse: literally, "they think that if I am a Jesus freak and remain good, here" English is closer ( scansion aside) to 'mi pilin e ala. ona li nimi e mi kepeken 'nasa pi jan Jesu' la ona lukin e lon ni taso'
The rest is even harder "The past is not here. If a night person is dead, now. A high power gets me. Me new of god, I have a new me' Not clearly related step by step or in whole to the English.

jan pali pi jan Jesu
Posts: 19
Joined: Thu Apr 02, 2015 2:02 pm

Re: Can ya'll critique this?

Postby jan pali pi jan Jesu » Tue Apr 07, 2015 12:01 pm

kama pona :)


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