This is very good. It moves well and shows several touches of ingenuity. So, though these notes seem to run on a bit, the overall intention is praise and ajust a little lilygilding.
Voltikeln. no v in tp, no consonant clusters in tp, no ti in tp. starting from Vortigern, there are two main paths to the name: spelling and rhythm. Spelling puts in all the letters, buffered by vowels of your choice, so Walisikelen or so with different vowels. The rhythm method just represents each syllable with it main sound, so Wasiken or so. Of course, you can do a bit of each as well. Similarly, Britain comes out Piten and Merlin is just Melin. btw, your name is better Enti, since tp has neither d nor y.
'lawa pi Ike mute' "very evil ruler', not 'lawa ike mute' "many evil rulers"
"He evilly had a head surface of dead heads" I don't get "head surface". I suppose you have dead rulers, so "ruler table"? (but that is Arthur seeping into my thinking)?
'jan ala' for 'jan aka'
'sinpin lili li pakala li kama e kiwen lili' ? maybe, without 'e', "a little wall/ a few walls broke and became little stones". with 'e' I don't get it.
"Construction took a long time". not sure how best to say this, probably with 'lon' but I am not sure. 'e' is pretty surely wrong. The next is definitely, 'tenpo mute la sinpin li pakala' or equivalently 'sinpin li pakala lon tenpo mute'. incidentally, the standard word for building a structure is 'tomo', but that does make for some confusion here.
'sinpin li sewi ken kepeken telo loje pi jan lili. jan lili ni li luka tu li jo ala e mama mije.' This says "The wall is possibly high using children's blood. These children are a group of seven and fatherless" I suppose you mean "A wall this high needs the blood of a child who is seven years old and fatherless." 'sinpin pi sewi sama li wile e telo loje pi jan lili ni. ni li jan pi sike suno luka tu li jo ala e mama mije'
'jan utala lawa', 'pi' needs two words after it.
'toki e ijo pi tomo' "say something about the tower", you can't say the tower. 'lape lon anpa nena' "sleep in the underneath of the hill", i.e. "below the hill" in the tp way. 'wawa e monsi akesi' applies a force to the backs of the dragons". I would say 'e ike' and 'e mi', certainly the latter, since Merlin would definitely be toast.
'jan pali lawa' ('pi' needs two words) 'pali lon insa nena' 'kama lukin' 'pali lon insa kiwen' (maybe 'tawa' for 'lon' in both cases) 'lukin e akesi kon' ditto for the new stone. 'akesi kon ni li suli pi akesi kon sin' But this is the new one and what are you saying about its size. MY best guess is that it is the same size 'suli sama akesi kon nanpa wan' I'm not sure how to say it is bigger or smaller.
Probably 'lukin e sama' "see one another" rather than "see something new". I like 'tenpo e tenpo suno tu wan' for "took three days"; it may be the first use of this idiom, which seems inherently right -- and might have smoothed some earlier passages. e.g., pali li tenpo e tenpo suli' "construction took a long time". (note, in additive numerals, the biggest always comes first, so not 'wan tu') maybe 'kipisi e sike wawa lon akesi' "cut a mighty circle in the dragon", but 'kipisi' might also do for the cut ("slice") and 'tan' for how it affected the dragon. 'kama kon seli' since 'kama' means "become" but is a modal, so takes the compliment immediately, not as a direct object. On the other hand, 'lukin does take a direct object , so 'lukin e ona'
"spoke wisely/knowingly about this battle" 'toki sona e ijo pi utala ni'. as usual about names: Ute Pentakon. 'tu wan'
'monsuta' is a tricky word in that its usage is not clear. As a noun it means something to be feared, but as a verb it seems to be used both for "frighten" and "be afraid of" and I don't know which is dominant. You go with the latter and so so will I. I don't think I have seen 'poki' as a verb before, except to mean "is a box". I think the notion of sealing oneself (or something else) away is clearly there, but might be hard to recover at first (but context helps a lot). To be on the safe side, I might have used 'poki e sama' "boxed himself in". 'utala seli' is compact and nice. no 'e' with 'kama' (twice). I might have said that Vortigern kama moli, since this is sort of a sequence of events, but that is frill. 'Piten'