bashō’s “old pond”

[leoboiko]

telo awen a
akesi li kama sewi li kama anpa
kalama telo.

Does that looks right? (I wonder of there’s a way to shorten the middle sentence…)

I just started with toki pona yesterday, but man ni li toki musi =)

[jan-ante]

subarasii

sikasi kore mo ii desyo::

telo awen li lon
akesi li kama insa
telo li kalama

6-8-6 instead of 5-7-5

[janKipo]

The structure words are problems; maybe stick with nouns as much as possible. Or cheat on word boundaries:
telo awen. a-
kesi li sewi li an-
pa. telo li mu.

[Insert here screed about trying to translate language specific things into tp -- or any other language, come to that: Alice, DDJ. Basho --and haiku generally, sonnets,... .]

[jan-ante]

telo li mu.

i am sorry, but this is ugly. that could stand (although far from been perfect) for storm or waterfall, but not here

[leoboiko]

In my humble opinion people focus too much on the 5-7-5 structure of haiku. I don’t think it translate well outside of Japanese (where it counts morae, not syllables). What I find important is the season-word, the imagistic “here and now” worldview, the care with prosody and melody… all of which are all too often lacking from Internet haiku.

Of course, my toki pona version has no prosody whatsoever, what’s with me being a complete beginner

Thanks for the suggestions everyone, it’s been instructive.

[Kuti]

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[janKipo]

Lest we get too aesthetic about this, the same problems arise with trying to do limericks in tp. Pretty much, each language lends itself to a range of poetic forms (or lack thereof) and attempts to fit forms from another language into that or that into another language result in muck. The "right approach" is to translate the content (in the broadest sense) into the corresponding form in the other language. And, if there is not a corresponding form (it is hard to think of an English match for haiku), to create a new form for the purpose (which would not -- since that isn't the English way of poetry -- be a 5-7-5 syllable or morae pattern). The problem has not really been solved in English, which has a pretty well recognized poesy. Since tp doesn't have such a thing yet, the first task is to build one and so every attempt a poetry (however defined) is a step toward a general solution -- either by giving an example to follow or a hideosity to avoid. I think both Leoboiko and Ante provide specimens to consider for te former category. (And I don't really think 'telo li mu' is all that bad, though the rest is suspect at best).

[Kuti]

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[janKipo]

Still doesn't sound very tpish, can't really count to 5 very well and I suspect something more is required (the examples given seem to be the usual Japanese sorts of seasonal and nature images and mono no aware, though somewhat modernized). But tp is pretty much open at the moment, so give it a try.