Well, let's see. The Medievals had Fortune as abstract but personal -- and female (yes, this is conflicted), so 'jan sewi' is not inappropriate. The point of fortune songs is always that Fortune changes (see Orff's "Fortune, like the moon"), so, emphasizing the good is just wishful thinking, not accurate. And, as noted, money is not the main interest usually, chicks is.
'wan la' expects 'tu la,' a list. 'nanpa wan la,' "first," works much the same way. I like 'open la,' "in the beginning," but that is not a widely shared preference, I think.
'nasin' is not great as "idea," though it covers some sense of that, 'pilin' is also possible, and even 'kon.'
"because of all I have done" (where is that, by the way) 'tan pali mi ali,' at a guess, but where to put it -- presumably at the end of the sentence in the prep place.
'ona LI weka..." though I still don't see where you get all the rest there.
Your "curse," etc. look pretty good.
Still, 'mi ali' not 'mi ala'
Still no solution for "carry." It is not clear just what the last line means "We know how to bear the shield" "We know that we bear the shield" "We know that we must bear the shield" and I get the idea that it is the weight, not the protective use, that is involved here.