sehr sehr interessant as the little guy (Artie Johnson?) used to say.
1. 'jan lawa' sounds like Lord, which (from the KJV anyhow) isn't right here, but we don't yet have a good God word at this point. 'e sewi e anpa' is a good dodge.
2. I don't get 'sinpin' for "form" or whatever Luther says, "the depths are dark above the depths/at the lower heights"? 'tawa lon sewi telo'
3. 'walo' avoids some dumb stuff later, though otherwise iffy. Imperatives odd in absence of anything to address.
4. I wonder just how 'tu' does work as a vt, I would have gone with tu e walo en pimeja', I think.
5. nimi 'tenpo suno', nimi 'tenpo pimeja' (fuss, fuss) and maybe 'ona li nimi 'tenpo suno' e walo' and so on.Last bit works but there should be a better way (I haven't looked the half dozen stored samples lately).
6. odd imperatives again 'o kiwen li kama lon insa telo' 'ona li tu e telo'? or a continued imperative, 'ona o' just looks wrongish.
7. 'pali e kiwen' Damn, we need PP modifying NPs to do this at all sensibly; it's not the water of the hard bottom, or of the lower firmament, but the telo lon anpa kiwen, etc. how does 'tu' work?
8. nimi 'sewi' (so-so)
9. ?? I'd use 'kulupu,' but then ... 'lon anpa sewi' The rest needs help (or, rather I do)
10. Nice dodges. So above is not "No water appears" but "Non-water appears"
11. some of those 'ona' might better be 'sama'?
12. 'kepeken e nasin'
14. well, now 'walo' doesn't work so well, but either 'suno' or 'mun' messes up the effect.
15. And so on
16. 'ona li pali e suno lili mute.'
17. Well, 'walo' for "light" still isn't great but given it, maybe 'walo e ma'
19. How to break up that string at the end?
20. 'pona' at the end.
Nice. It looks like we have a new German contingent.