'ona' without a predecessor just needs either a replacement ('jan nasin', say, though even that is premature) or a brief introductory sentence about who this is about. Of course, in context, this is not a problem.
Jews = Juta. 'anpa'? “pious”? I guess the new usage does support that, but makes some oldr usages problematic. Prob. 'ma' rather than 'kulupu'
'awen lukin' “kept on looking” doesn't touch “mystified” which is at least 'sona ala' . Sorting out the who used what language is probably beyond a one-pronoun system at the best of times. “Surprised” and “amazed” are as hard as “mystified” but 'awen kute' doesn't seem to help.
I think repeated prepsositional phrases need 'en' between them: 'tans ma Mesopotamija en tan ma Uteja en ….' 'ma Lipija pi lon poka pi ma tomo Silini' Rome = Loma 'ona li toki e ijo pi pai wawa sewi' 'toki mute mi mute' “many of our many languages”? Just 'toki mi ali'?
'tawa' is probably not the right word for “about” (what seems to be the point here). Judea = Juteja. Prob just 'toki', 'kalama' implies (weakly) a loud noise and does not imply any meaningful content.
No 'li' with 'mi' alone
I see most of this is quibbling about translation. Grammatically a nice job.