Lindi and the elephant, by jan Same (first draft and edit)

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janKipo
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Lindi and the elephant, by jan Same (first draft and edit)

Postby janKipo » Thu Feb 25, 2016 7:29 pm

The Elephant in the Room
soweli suli li lon tomo.
By Sam Wilson
tan jan Same
One morning, Lindi found an elephant in her room.
tenpo suno kama wan la jan Linti li lukin e ni: soweli suli li lon tomo ona.

>> not /ti/ in tp, is usually replaced by /si/ so the girl's (I assume) name is Linsy or you can go to
“Linda”, 'Linta', which is allowed 'tenpo suno kama' is usually “tomorrow”, better 'tenpo suno sin wan' or 'open pi tenpo suno wan' “saw that there was an elephant in her room” literal would be 'kama lukin e soweli suli lon tomo sama' ('sama' “her own” avoid the possibility that it is the elephant's room)

“Look!” she called. “There’s an elephant in my room!”
ona li toki e ni: “o lukin! soweli suli li lon tomo mi!”

>> Strictly (but nobody does) 'nimi ni' for direct quotes.

“No there isn’t,” her mother called back. “Elephants don’t live in houses. Everybody knows that.”
mama pi jan Linti li toki e ni: “lon ala. soweli suli ala li lon tomo. jan ale li sona e ni.”

>>'mama meli' to be precise. Prob 'ona' here is enough. 'toki sin' for “responded”

The elephant yawned.
soweli suli li kama jo e kon.

>> Good place for a clever expression; “got air” doesn't seem enough somehow

At breakfast, Lindi’s dad asked her to pass the milk.
Tenpo moku la, mama mije pi jan Linti li toki e ni: “o pana e telo walo soweli tawa mi.”

>> prob 'ona' works still, though the elephant is the most recent likely noun.

“I can’t,” said Lindi. “The elephant drank it all.”
jan Linti li toki e ni: “mi ken ala. soweli suli li moku e ona ale”
“There isn’t an elephant,” said her dad, “Elephants don’t live in the city. Everybody knows that.”
mama mije ona li toki e ni: “soweli suli li lon ala. soweli suli ala li lon tomo ma. jan ale li sona e ni.”

>>'ma tomo' (“built-up areas” not “country buildings”)

The elephant burped.
soweli suli li pana e kon.

>> Another creative opportunity (but beware of farts).

At school, the teacher grumbled, “What’s wrong with this chalkboard? It’s all wrinkly!”
lon tomo kama sona la jan sona li toki e ni: “lipu suli pimeja me li pakala!”

>>'tomo pi kama sona' or 'tomo pi pana sona' or just 'tomo sona' simialrly, a teacher is 'jan pi pana sona' since not necessarily wise/smart/knowledgeable (alas) . 'mi' . Maybe 'tan seme' at the end to match the English more. English suggest 'lipu pimeja suli' but I don't know how that works in tp.

“That’s not the chalkboard. That’s my elephant!” said Lindi.
jan Linti li toki e ni: “ona li lipu suli pimeja ala. ona li soweli suli.”
“There are no elephants at school,” said the teacher. “Everybody knows that.”
jan sona a toki e ni: “soweli suli ala li lon tomo kama sona. jan ale li sona e ni.”

>> 'li toki'

The elephant ate the teacher’s sandwiches.
soweli suli li moku e moku pi jan sona.
At break time, the elephant followed Lindi to the playground.
tempo musi la jan Linti en soweli suli li tawa ma musi.

>> maybe elephant went with Linsi 'ss li tawa poka jan Linsi

He knocked over the swings by mistake.
soweli suli li pakala e ilo musi.
“Go away!” said Lindi. “You’re not real and you shouldn’t be here! Everyone knows that!”
jan Linti li toki e ne: “o weka! suli lon ala. jan ale li sona e ni!”

>> 'sina lon ala'

The elephant drooped. He walked away, wiping his eyes with his trunk.
soweli suli li pilin ike. ona weka. lukin ona li pana e telo.

>>'ona li (kama, prob) weka' Sorry, I can't break the habit of using 'oko' here. But I would like to see “wiped his eyes with his trunk” creative.

After school, Lindi couldn’t see the elephant anywhere.
tempo tomo kama sona pini la, jan Linti li lukin ala e soweli suli.

>>tenpo pi tomo pi kama sona, pini la'

“Elephant!” she called. “Where are you?”
ona li toki e ni: “soweli suli o! sina lon seme?”
She looked in the bushes, but he wasn’t there.
ona li lukin lon kasi. soweli suli li lon ala ni.
So Lindi went home without him.
jan Linti tawa tomo ona lon poki soweli suli ala.

>>'poka ala' and no 'lon' (sorry, my dialect, but common).

Back home, Lindi didn’t want to play, or read, watch TV.
lon tomo ona la jan Linti li wile ala e musi e lipu e sitelen tawa.

>> wile is a modal, so takes verbs, not direct objects in this case and it is hard to get all the factors right here: disjunction and negation especially. Prob best to string it out: 'li wile ala musi li wile ala lukin e lipu, li wile ala lukin e sitelen tawa'

She felt lonely.
ona li pilin e wan.

>>'wan pilin' or, better, prob, 'taso pilin'
So she went outside, and sat on the steps, and waited.
ona li weka tomo li anpa li awen.

>> 'weka tan tomo' or 'tawa selo tomo' (illegit, but nice: 'anpa lon leko')

And waited.
ona li awen sin.
And waited.
ona li awen sin sin.

>> maybe 'sin kin'


And then… she saw a trunk.
ona li lukin e nena lawa.

>> 'ni la' or 'wawa la' maybe, strictly 'nena pi sinpin lawa'

And tusks.
ona li lukin e palisa walo tu.

>> can just continue the DOs. Maybe 'palisa uta'

And ears.
ona li lukin e kute suli tu.

>>continue DOs (if I accept 'kute' for ears, I probably have to accept lukin for “eyes”, ugh!)

The elephant was coming down the road!
soweli suli li kama a!
She ran up and hugged him.
jan Linti li tawa ona.

>> 'li luka e ona'

“I’m sorry,” she said. “I didn’t mean it! I know you’re real. You’re my elephant.”
jan Linti li toki e ni: “mi ike. mi sona e ni: sina lon. sina soweli suli mi.”
The elephant lifted her up and put her on his back, and she rode down the street.
soweli suli li sewi e ona. jan Linti li lon monsi pi soweli suli. ona tu li tawa.
She waved to her neighbours. “Hello, Mr Green! Hello, Mrs Green!”
jan Linti li lukin e jan tu lon poka e tomo ona. jan Linti li toki e ni: “jan Laso Mije o, toki! jan Laso Meli o, toki!”

>> 'jan tu poka' or 'jan poka tu' (avoids problems with 'ona') Not sure how to do this. English would have 'jan mije Laso' and so on and so would most languages I know of, but ….)

“Look at Lindi!” said Mr. Green. “How did she get up there? Maybe she grew!”
jan Laso Mije e toki e ni: “o lukin e jan Linti! ona kama sewi tan seme? kin la ona li kama suli!”

>>'ona li kama' maybe 'kepeken seme'. 'ken la'

“Don’t be silly,” said Mrs Green. “Little girls don’t grow that high. Everybody knows that.”
jan Laso Meli e toki e ni: “o toki e nasa ala! jan lili li kama suli mute ala. jan ale li sona e ni.”

>>or even just 'o nasa ala' an lili meli'? 'kama ala suli mute' (or 'suli kin' as someone has suggested)

The elephant took her to the lake, and Lindi slid down his trunk like a slide.
soweli suli en jan Linti li tawa telo suli. jan Linti li anpa lon nena lawa pi soweli suli.
ona toki e ni: “aaaaaaaaaaaa!”

>> or 'ss li tawa telo suli e ona' 'slid” opens some creative possibilities, too, nice.

They played all afternoon, laughing and splashing and spraying each other with water.
tenpo suno tawa la ona tu li musi. ona tu li pana e kalama pona. ona tu li pakala e telo.

>> “in the going day”? not sure how to do “afternoon” (nor “noon” even)

That night, the elephant tucked her in to bed.
tenpo pimeja la soweli suli en jan Linti li tawa supa lape. soweli suli li pana e len lape lon jan Linti.
“Goodnight elephant,” said Lindi. “Thank you for a lovely day.”
jan Linti li toki e ni: “soweli suli o, o lape pona. tenpo suno ni li pona.”
He patted her head, and curled up to sleep outside her window.
soweli suli li lape poka lupa tomo pi jan Linti.

>>“patted her head” is something like 'pilin e lawa ona' but that seems pallid.

“Elephants are the best friends in the world,” Lindi said to herself. “Nobody knows that, except for me and my elephant.”
jan Linti li sona e ni: “soweli suli li jan pona mute. mi en soweli suli mi taso li sona e ni.”
>>even 'jan pona ali' 'mi en soweli suli mi, taso'

pona mute. pona tawa sina taw ni.

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janAetherStar
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Re: Lindi and the elephant, by jan Same (first draft and edit)

Postby janAetherStar » Fri Feb 26, 2016 2:37 am

I'll give you a hand at editing. :)

One morning, Lindi found an elephant in her room.
>>I'd also say "tenpo wan pi suno kama" or "tenpo wan pi sewi suno" for "one morning", but those might not be necessary. I do think of "one tomorrow" when looking at the initial translation (or some such thing). I reckon "jan Linsi" would be the way to go - it's sticking with the usual way to transliterate "ti". I also think "ona" is pretty clear in this case myself.

“No there isn’t,” her mother called back. “Elephants don’t live in houses. Everybody knows that.”
>>I think "mama meli" would be good, just because there's a "mama mije" later on and it helps. Personally, I'd regard "toki sin" as "spoke again" (as if she said something earlier) or "spoke newly" (gah English) (as if she was starting a new conversation almost), so I think that the original is fine here.

The elephant yawned.
>>I might personally use "kama jo en pana e kon" just because both happen at pretty much the same time, or else in a very one-after-the-other manner. I know tp is tp, but personally I only see "kama jo e kon" as an inhale (but that might just be because I've used it in my own writing that way before and haven't considered much else).

The elephant burped.
>>This is my own perspective, but "pana musi e kon", "pana e kon nasa tan uta", "pana e kon jaki uta" etc could be viable here.

At school, the teacher grumbled, “What’s wrong with this chalkboard? It’s all wrinkly!”
>>Personally I'd say "sinpin sitelen pimeja" for a blackboard (remember, it's probably a whole wall length, upright, and definitely not bendy). I'd also recommend "anu seme?" and "tomo pi kama sona" and "jan pi pana sona".

“That’s not the chalkboard. That’s my elephant!” said Lindi.
>>*"soweli suli mi!"

At break time, the elephant followed Lindi to the playground.
>>I reckon you can merge your edit idea with the original as so: tenpo musi la soweli suli li tawa ma musi poka jan Linsi. Still doesn't quite imply "follow", but maybe someone else can come up with something for that, or maybe it's not necessary.

The elephant drooped. He walked away, wiping his eyes with his trunk.
>>Probs "ona li tawa weka". Maybe for the last bit: "ona li weka e telo tan (sinpin/sike lukin/oko) ona kepeken luka linja ona." (That's if we stretch "luka" to be some kind of grasping appendage rather than just a human arm, and also assume that the audience knows by this point that an elephant is in question. Otherwise it's probably better to just mention tears and nothing else.) I personally don't see "oko" as too bad a habit. If "oko" is a bad habit, then so is "uta" and "noka", I reckon.

Back home, Lindi didn’t want to play, or read, watch TV.
>>While your points hold true, I reckon that you can at least say "wile ala lukin e lipu e sitelen tawa" to condense it at the end.

She felt lonely.
>>Personal favourite out of those two is "taso pilin", as I think it's stronger, and "wan pilin" could still have a sense of feeling united with everything (oh the intricacies of tp numbers...)

So she went outside, and sat on the steps, and waited.
>>I'd say "tawa ma" could be an option (though maybe not needed in this case as she's close enough to the house that it could be "tawa selo tomo").

And waited.
>>I think "ona li awen" is plenty for both lines (or maybe even "ona li awen. / ona li awen awen.). "sin" is a sense of "again" or even "newness", so I don't personally see it as fitting here unless she does something inbetween waiting.

And then… she saw a trunk.
>>Similar to my last suggestion, maybe "luka linja" could be put into use, as "nena" is not "linja" or "palisa", which is what the shape takes after in an elephant. I don't get what "wawa la" is personally. I don't even think "And then..." need be translated, but that's just me.

And tusks.
>>Or "palisa uta kiwen tu"? Just playing with words here.

And ears.
>>Fear not, "nena kute" (or "lipu kute" for an elephant perhaps) could easily replace just "kute". :)

She waved to her neighbours. “Hello, Mr Green! Hello, Mrs Green!”
jan Linti li lukin e jan tu lon poka e tomo ona. jan Linti li toki e ni: “jan Laso Mije o, toki! jan Laso Meli o, toki!”
>>I reckon "jan poka tu" sounds good (or maybe "jan tu pi tomo poka"), it could be a new term alongside "jan sama", "jan pona" etc. I definitely think that "mije Laso o, toki! meli Laso o, toki!" is the way to go (or maybe for added politeness, "mije/meli pona Laso"). Just realised - wouldn't green be closer to "jelo"?

“Look at Lindi!” said Mr. Green. “How did she get up there? Maybe she grew!”
jan Laso Mije e toki e ni: “o lukin e jan Linti! ona kama sewi tan seme? kin la ona li kama suli!”
>>"kepeken nasin seme" could also work, since it's pretty ingrained as a "how".

“Don’t be silly,” said Mrs Green. “Little girls don’t grow that high. Everybody knows that.”
jan Laso Meli e toki e ni: “o toki e nasa ala! jan lili li kama suli mute ala. jan ale li sona e ni.”
>>"o nasa ala" sounds good to me :) Maybe that part can just be reworded as "jan lili meli li ken ala kama suli sama ni." (Little girls can't grow as high as that, kind of a thing.) (Using "ken" to avoid "kama suli mute/kin ala" etc, but then again, some problems must be faced)

The elephant took her to the lake, and Lindi slid down his trunk like a slide.
>>I see what you're doing there, but I'm not sure how clear it is, especially since "telo suli" could be taken as some kind of adverb system for "tawa". If other people think it's ok, though, that's all goods.

They played all afternoon, laughing and splashing and spraying each other with water.
>>Afternoon could be "suno li kama anpa tan sewi/suli ona la", though it's a little idiomatic I suppose (When the sun descends from its height). Noon would be more "suno li sewi (kin) la" probably. I reckon "tawa (wawa) e telo li telo musi e ona (tu)" could sound a little nicer than "pakala e telo", but that's only my perspective.

That night, the elephant tucked her in to bed.
tenpo pimeja la soweli suli en jan Linti li tawa supa lape. soweli suli li pana e len lape lon jan Linti.
>>Probs "pana e len lape tawa jan Linsi".

He patted her head, and curled up to sleep outside her window.
soweli suli li lape poka lupa tomo pi jan Linti.
>>Then how about "luka e lawa ona"?

And finally, a message to jan Same (if you see this): I love how you translated certain parts of the text! It's so cute and a wonderful story to have in Toki Pona. :D
ale li pona. :)
sina o sona e ni.

JanSame
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Re: Lindi and the elephant, by jan Same (first draft and edit)

Postby JanSame » Fri Feb 26, 2016 4:22 am

Thank you so, so much both of you! This has been a big learning experience for me, and I appreciate your help! pona mute a!

Jan Sane Wilison
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Joined: Fri Feb 26, 2016 4:31 am

Re: Lindi and the elephant, by jan Same (first draft and edit)

Postby Jan Sane Wilison » Fri Feb 26, 2016 4:35 am

Since there's already a Jan Same on the forums, I have started a new account with my full name (Sam Wilson) transliterated. So I guess I'm Jan Sane Wilison now!

Jan Sane Wilison
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Joined: Fri Feb 26, 2016 4:31 am

Re: Lindi and the elephant, by jan Same (first draft and edit)

Postby Jan Sane Wilison » Sun Mar 13, 2016 4:29 am

All right! The story is complete and the illustrations are done!

http://www.samwilsonwriting.com/the-ele ... e-room.php

I'm still open to fixes, if anyone spots any grammar or style mistakes.


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