Crystals song cover

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janAetherStar
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Crystals song cover

Postby janAetherStar » Sat Feb 06, 2016 3:37 am

Hello all! Here's a song cover. Probably doesn't sound too great, especially thanks to the audio quality, but oh well! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q8MANOWaIBY Also, no criticisms on the translation, if you will. It's just my own personal logic, nothing else.
ale li pona. :)
sina o sona e ni.

jan_Lope
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Location: mi lon ma tomo Pelin.
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Re: Crystals song cover

Postby jan_Lope » Sat Feb 06, 2016 4:55 am

janAetherStar wrote:Hello all! Here's a song cover. Probably doesn't sound too great, especially thanks to the audio quality, but oh well! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q8MANOWaIBY Also, no criticisms on the translation, if you will. It's just my own personal logic, nothing else.


jan "AetherStar" o, toki!

kalama musi sina li pona tawa mi. taso mi ken ala sona e toki sina. sina wile ala wile sitelen e toki sina?

pona!

I like your singing but I can't understand the whole text because of the audio quality. Can you write the text here?

Thanks.
pona!
jan Lope
https://jan-lope.github.io
(Lessons and the Toki Pona Parser - A tool for spelling, grammar check and ambiguity check of Toki Pona)

On my foe list are the sockpuppets janKipo and janSilipu because of permanent, rude spamming.

janKipo
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Re: Crystals song cover

Postby janKipo » Sat Feb 06, 2016 2:38 pm

Thanks for the text; my hearing isn't that good even in spoken words. I can't find the English, so this is mostly guesswork.

lon sewi pi ko jelo,
Above the yellow dust,
poki lon kon walo,
A package in the clouds (maybe 'pi' – not sure how all this is meant to fit together grammatically yet.)
lon wile pi ala taso,
In the desire of absolutely nothing (wonderfully ambiguous!)
la mi anpa a la mi tawa ma.
If I fall, oh!, I go to the ground/ Earth (So everything before is conditions, which works except for that box)
*a mi, mi seli.
Oh, me! I burn
o weka e selo.
Throw away the skin
pimeja
dark (presumably modifies 'selo')
la ala li suno.
Nothing is bright (hard to deal with an imperative as “if'” clause, as is required here. Intention?
mi monsuta. Taso
I am a monster/fierce
mi ken sona e ijo.
I can know something
mi sona e ijo.
I know something (expect 'kin' after 'sona' perhaps, but then, I'm not sure what is going on).
**a a a a.
Ha ha! Or Uh oh! (not sure what emotion called for here)
o oko li pini.
May the eye be close/sinished
o pilin e kalama musi ni.
Feel this music.
a a a a.
(see above)
o oko li pini.
May the eye be close/sinished
o wan e kule pi sina en mi.
Join your color and mine.
tawa e ko pimeja.
Move the dark dust (need initial 'o')
ko li tawa lon luka.
The dust moves in the hand.
noka pimeja sin mi li
My new dark feet are
lete a. selo mi li lipu pilin.
Cold, Oh! My skin feels like a parchment/leaf/...

* **

a mi ike
Oh! If I am bad,
la mi sona.
I know.
taso mi pona
but I am good
lon insa.
On the inside
mi lon lawa ni,
I am in this head
tenpo ale la
Always (either this has to be before the sentence or at the end after a 'lon')
ale la.
Totally (ditto).

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janAetherStar
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Re: Crystals song cover

Postby janAetherStar » Sat Feb 06, 2016 5:45 pm

Agh! Sorry for any confusion there! TP is in the description and "Tongan" captions, but it's been slightly modified against the original as I had to play around with sentences to match up (roughly) the syllable count. Here's the original text, and what was intended of mine (couldn't get columns to work, so less information here):

Lost in skies of powdered gold /First bit is self-explanatory
Caught in clouds of silver ropes
Showered by the empty hopes
As I tumble down, falling fast to the ground /All those previous sentences apply to this. Imagine those are lumped together, and then the end comes.

*I know I'll wither so peel away the bark /"Know" took too long, I though "seli" was a snappy word that could maybe equate to
Because nothing grows when it is dark / dehydration. "Suno" as it rhymed, and "ala li suli" vs "kama suli" could sound weird.
In spite of all my fears, I can see it all so clear / "See it all so clear" struck me as too English, so I both rhymed and kept some of the old message.
I see it all so clear "e ale" didn't rhyme. (I mean, even if it's elsewhere, toki pona li toki pona li toki ante ala.)

**Whoa-o-o-o, Cover your crystal eyes /Here's the "a a a a", jan Kipo o ;) I rigged this section to rhyme, so for that I needed the different
And feel the tones that tremble down your spine /"o oko li pini" (may <your, someone's...> eyes be covered/closed) v.s. the imperative.
Whoa-o-o-o, Cover your crystal eyes
And let your colours bleed and blend with mine /Played around quite a bit to get this one that fits. Liked the colours metaphor too much.

Making waves in pitch black sand /Here's where "my personal logic" really kicks in. I meant "x li tawa e ko pimeja" but just dropped
Feel the salt dance on my hands /the start. Think what you want, but hey, rhyme and meter fit. (Now I think about it again, I
Raw and charcoal coloured thighs feel so cold /probably could have used "pi" and had it as a fragment/lone noun, but "e" sounds nicer...)
And my skin feels so paper-thin /"sin" - I was thinking along the lines of Japanese "nama". Now I looked it up again I don't know
/what the heck I was thinking. But, I guess it could be raw to a point.
* **
But I'm okay in see-through skin /Went for the meaning a bit here. Character knows what they've done, their faults, blah blah.
I forgive what is within
Because I'm in this house /Took it to mean mind. Put more emphasis on the time as that's just how it turned out. Had to
I'm in this home /play around with different structures for a while to get it. Also, "tenpo ale la" v.s. "lon tenpo
All my time /ale"... Sounds better and gives the end more of a punch, in my opinion. Just imagine it as the
/start of the sentence that got left behind instead or as poetic license.
**


Phew! Well, there you go. Again, I'm not really interested in a technological debate about things, it's just my own personal work and how I did it, but you guys can knock yourselves out.
ale li pona. :)
sina o sona e ni.

janKipo
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Joined: Fri Oct 09, 2009 2:20 pm

Re: Crystals song cover

Postby janKipo » Sat Feb 06, 2016 7:07 pm

When I say I don't do poetry, I mean I am at a loss with syllable counts (especially stress) (except I think I understand haiku), or rhyme (and all those other things like alliteration) and metaphorical readings and so on. So, I just go for literal and leave it to the more poetical to tidy up the chips.
I still can't work out a grammatical way to get 'poki' in 'lon poki pi' is, I suppose, too long.
'a a a a' is pretty perfect for "Whoa" The original (in American lore) I "Ah ah ah ah! Don't touch that dial; listen to ..." so "Stop!".
I misparsed
'pimeja' I see, which does make a difference but gets no closer to the original(I do wish tp was better at distinguishing verbal from adjectival usage (and 'kama' wouldn't help at all) so 'ala li suli' would be clear).
I'm talking above my pay-grade, so will stop.


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