itsy bitsy spider

[jan Oma]

pipi lili lili li sewi e tomo
telo li anpa, pipi lili o!
tan suno la telo li lon ala
tan ni la pipi lili li open lon anpa

I think it's basically sound, but can anyone let me know where it might need work?

[janKipo]

'pipi lili lili' strictly means "a few small insects", that is, the reduplication for extreme or emphasis is not (yet) official or even vernacular tp. It also violates the 'pi' rule, since it is a unit modifier of more than one word and so should have 'pi'. The officially correct version is 'pipi pi lili mute', which misses most of the point. There are discussions of this on just about every tp venue, with a change likely, apparently.
I miss the "wash the wider out" action, but we don't have a spout either. Maybe, rather than the vocative, something like 'la pipi lili ki anpa kin'.
I would have said 'telo li Kama weka' ( the water doesn't cease to exist, it just goes away).
'open sin lon anpa'
I don't do prosody so I can' tell what happens here with the rhythm etc.

[jan Oma]

I didn't know that about modifier doubling, thank you for pointing that out. I miss the spout and the washing too, I'll try to find a way to make it work.

So, just to clarify a few things I was fuzzy on: you can do that post-comma clause thing with the vocative? Also 'sewi' can mean 'to climb'?

[janKipo]

yes to both. I can't find any rule about when you can or cannot use a vocative, reasonable discretion expected. 'sewi' as a verb means "go up" and so contextually, "climb, take off, get up, conquer" and so on.