toki musi sin tu pi toki pona.

Creativity: Poetry, music, comics, etc.
Kreado: Poezio, muziko, bildrakontoj, ktp.
Mako
Posts: 184
Joined: Fri Jul 16, 2010 11:32 pm
Location: San Francisco

toki musi sin tu pi toki pona.

Postby Mako » Wed Apr 13, 2011 5:58 pm

A loose translation of the beginning of the Iliad. The meter is 9-7, based on Japanese epic meter (7-5), adjusted for the slightly longer average phrase in TP. Comments on the efficacy of the meter as well as translation issues are welcome, but I am more interested in working on meter.

jan sewi musi o musi kin
e pilin ike pi jan ni:
jan Akile li jan lili wan
pi jan lawa Pelju.
pilin ike li pakala ale
e jan utala mute.
mute li tawa tomo moli
tan pilin ike pi jan taso.
jan sewi Jowe li pali e ni:
wile ona li pali.

O Muse, verily sing of
the bad attitude of that person:
Achilles was the only son
of Lord Peleus.
The bad attitude wholly destroyed
many men of war.
Many went to the house of death
because of the bad attitude of a lone man.
The god Zeus did this:
his desire was deed.

My comments: As usual, the TP is much more blunt than the source language. There are a few nimi namako in the poem, but sleekness will come with time. On line 7, I wanted to use 'ona', but then it would not be clear whether 'ona' referred to 'jan Akile' or 'jan utala mute'.

A tanka (5-7-5-7-7 or 5-12-14) on the beginning of Beowulf (Si Sepin = Scyld Scefing)

tenpo mute la
mi mute li kute
e jan Si Sepin.
ona li pakala e
tomo pi jan ike mute.

Often
We have heard of
Scyld Scefing
He destroyed the
homes of many enemies.

My notes:
Lines 1-3: upper phrase (5-12 or 5-7-5)
Lines 4-5: lower phrase (14 or 7-7)

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