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I Scintilla - The Bells Lyrics

Posted: Fri Dec 04, 2009 11:41 am
by janMato
luka waso pi sina li kama kalama anu seme?
tenpo mute ala la mi pilin e ni: mi kute e ona sina
tenpo ante la sina kama lon e lukin lape mute pi kiwen telo jaki tawa mi
tenpo kama la sina kama sona e ni: lukin lape pi mi li sona e seme anu seme?

Do your wings make a sound?
Sometimes I swear I can hear them
You left poison mercury dreams
Will you reveal what it means?

I Scintilla - The Bells Lyrics

I'm pretty rusty. Corrections? Alternate translations?

Re: I Scintilla - The Bells Lyrics

Posted: Fri Dec 04, 2009 12:37 pm
by jan Josan
janMato wrote:luka waso pi sina li kama kalama anu seme?
luka waso sina li kalama ala kalama?
pi requires 2 modifiers after it. I don't think you need kama, intrasitive kalama works just fine. 'do they make a sound/not make a sound' instead of 'do they make a sound or what?'
janMato wrote:tenpo mute ala la mi pilin e ni: mi kute e ona sina
tenpo ... la mi pilin e ni: mi ken kute e ona
I'll leave "sometimes" for jan Kipo, he's good at time expressions. optional ken for the 'can hear' and I don't think you need the sina, it's clear enough
janMato wrote:tenpo ante la sina kama lon e lukin lape mute pi kiwen telo jaki tawa mi
...sina pana e lukin lape pi...
not sure you need a time expression in this line. I like using pana here, some people don't like this use of pana though. as for "poison mercury" I'm not sure, kiwen telo moli ? Interesting. I think you're right that it is a kiwen telo ( watery hard thing -- liquid metal) and not telo kiwen (ice), but more generically I would say 'telo moli' for liquid poison
janMato wrote:tenpo kama la sina kama sona e ni: lukin lape pi mi li sona e seme anu sem?
tenpo kama la sina pana ala pana sona e ni: ona li sona e seme?
tough because it's two questions (will you...what...) 'kama sona' is will you learn, not give knoledge (again my preference is for pana), 'lukin lape mi' without the pi again, or maybe just ona, sona e seme should be just fine, "what or what" seems redundant to me.

nice job!

Re: I Scintilla - The Bells Lyrics

Posted: Fri Dec 04, 2009 1:42 pm
by janKipo
NIce job, indeed. And nice editing, too.

'tenpo la' alone means "sometimes" (among other things, of course); any expansion just gets into more definite, and so more misleading, meanings.

Re: I Scintilla - The Bells Lyrics

Posted: Sat Dec 05, 2009 12:00 am
by janMato
Here is my synthesis:

luka waso pi sina li kalama ala kalama?
tenpo la mi pilin e ni: mi ken kute e ona sina,
tenpo pini lili la sina pana e lukin lape mute pi kiwen suno telo tawa mi,
tenpo kama la sina pana sona ala pana sona e ni: lukin lape mi li sona e seme?

alternatives for mercury:

telo moli pi kule mun suno (deadly, grey, shiny liquid)
kiwen telo moli (liquidly deadly rock)
kiwen telo jaki (unpleasant liquid rock)
kiwen suno telo (shiny liquid rock)

Re: I Scintilla - The Bells Lyrics

Posted: Sat Dec 05, 2009 10:31 am
by janKipo
Still no 'pi' with only 'sina' following.

probably 'pana ala pana sona' rather than repeating 'sona'

Otherwise (and these are minor points, not) very nice. I can't pick among the various mercuries.

Have you taken the meter of the original into consideration?